i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
