I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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