The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
