Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
