i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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