My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
