The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
