Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
