Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
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I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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