ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
