i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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