the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
