never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
