see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
