I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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