i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
