New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
