you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
