Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
