I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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