Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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