Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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