She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
