Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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