I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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