My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
