her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
