So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Randomize
