I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
