WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
