can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
