Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
