Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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