i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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