genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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