theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
