the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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