I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
