So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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