I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
