Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
