I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
