i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
