His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
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Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
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I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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