I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
