guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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