you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
