you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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