So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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