ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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