I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
