i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
