Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
