I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
