Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
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this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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