Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
