I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
did i just pee glitter
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
