At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
