I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
