That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
