Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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